TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely away from area. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, confident, let us have A further spot where by American Guys can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply Everybody a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from House, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed Trump Tower Damascus lawsuits soon after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not merely hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Options


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "exactly where's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting notice from Global buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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